Only YES means YES: Navigating the waters of consent education

I teach a lot of students about the root causes of sexual violence and consent. The other day I was in a high school classroom and I said something to the effect of “the absence of NO does not mean YES. Consent must be a verbal agreement between both people.”

Immediately I saw a student’s hand go up. The simple question they asked has been on my mind since then. “What if the person cannot verbally say YES?” Now, I know that those that are deaf or unable to audibly express themselves can certainly give enthusiastic consent in other ways besides verbally. However, this question got me thinking about the ways we teach about sexual violence and consent and how we can begin to make this type of education more culturally specific, contextual and sensitive.

Each time I go into a classroom I learn something new from students and while I know we can always improve as prevention educators, here are a few things I think are important to address:

Power dynamics
Sexual violence does not exist in a vacuum. It exists within a complex social structure that benefits some social groups more than others. All forms of violence, sexual violence included, are buttressed by a foundation of sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia and many other types of power over that drive, normalize and make perpetration socially acceptable.

While conversations about power dynamics can be challenging to bring up in the classroom, they are extremely necessary. Power, control and entitlement are the main motivators of all forms of sexual violence. These conversations should be the foundation for dismantling systems of oppression, transforming social norms and creating a culture of consent.

Intersectionality has become such a buzzword of late. It has become a buzzword, however, precisely because of its importance to social justice and social change. Statistics prove that people with more intersecting oppressed identities are more likely to experience sexual assault and violence. Starting at a perspective that allows us to understand that each individual has been shaped by society in unique ways based on their complex identities, allows us to:

  1. 1. Acknowledge each persons’ experiences as true and valid for them, and to
  2. 2. Recognize the need to describe oppressions as interconnected phenomena that cannot be examined separately

Our prevention programming should aim to engage students in conversations about intersectionality, because it translates directly to students’ lived experiences.

As Prevention Educator, the language I use in the classroom when talking about sexual violence and consent is extremely important. For example, I cannot say, “verbal agreement,” and end the conversation there, when I know not everyone who is capable of consenting to sex is able to make a verbal agreement. I can engage and challenge the students with language by saying, “consent needs to be an enthusiastic, verbal agreement between two people. But what are some ways those who cannot verbally express themselves might express consent?”

Language and the ways we use it is one of the main ways we become blinded by our privileges. As educators, we will inevitably make mistakes with language over and over and over again. But it is okay; breathe. By acknowledging, learning from, and integrating those language considerations we can include and empower more students each time we teach.

Involving youth
This one may seem like a no brainer; of course we want to involve youth in consent education. But what I mean, is for sexual violence and consent education to be truly transformative, we must engage young people in what is important to them. This of course is easier said than done, but it all starts with listening.

Listening is the first thing we teach advocates working with survivors of sexual assault. It should also be the first thing we learn as educators. Listening to the lived experiences of young people and validating those experiences without judgment can be a powerful stepping stone to preventing violence and shifting social norms.

Focus on the perpetrators
Finally, the bottom line for prevention education is to shift attitudes and behaviors and this involves a lot of undoing conditioning around victim blaming. Our focus on prevention needs to be understanding predatory behavior and stopping perpetration of violence. Our culture’s focus on victim behavior, language, dress and actions creates shame and guilt for survivors of sexual violence. Through education we can empower students and community members to recognize perpetrator behavior and stand up and speak out against it.


Much more could be said about education for the prevention of sexual violence and the creation of a culture of consent. We still need a lot of research around consent education, bystander intervention, perpetrator psychology and other topics related to the field. There are still some big, complex questions that require deep reflection and analysis. How is consent truly negotiated between two people willing to engage in sexual activity? Can those in marginalized positions truly give their consent? While sitting with these huge questions, it is comforting to know and be able to teach young people that no one deserves to be raped, that everyone has the right to decide when, how and with whom to have sex, and that anyone who has experienced sexual assault has options for healing available to them.

–Matt is the Prevention Education Coordinator at Our VOICE.

V-Day Black Mountain

Vday vagina monologue banner

V-Day Black Mountain:

The Vagina Monologues
A Celebration of
Women, Sensuality, and
The Performing Arts

A Full Evening of Unique Entertainment and Fine Dining For This Valentine’s Day Weekend!

This Valentine’s Day weekend join us for a special evening at The White Horse in Black Mountain. There will be dinner, live music, and a Vagina Monologues performance. Proceeds will benefit Our VOICE!

The Vagina Monologues is an award-winning play is based on V-Day founder/playwright Eve Ensler’s interviews with more than 200 women. With humor and grace, the piece celebrates women’s sexuality and strength. Through this play and the liberation of this one word, countless women throughout the world have taken control of their bodies and their lives. For more than a decade, “The Vagina Monologues” has given voice to some of the experiences and feelings not previously exposed in public and brought a deeper consciousness to the conversation around ending violence and domestic abuse. Featuring Golden Globe and BAFTA nominated actress Kelly McGillis.

For more information or to purchase tickets, click here.

Benefits of Blind Reporting

68% of sexual assaults are never reported to law enforcement, making it one of the most under reported violent crimes in the United States.1 While Our VOICE strongly believes that the choice to report to law enforcement is the survivor’s and the survivor’s alone, some victims who are hesitant to report to law enforcement may not be aware that another reporting option exists.

Here in Buncombe County, survivors have the option to file what is called a “blind report”. A blind report is an anonymous report, where a victim can chose to not include any identifying information in the report. They can, however, include details of the assailant and details of the crime. This report does not initiate a formal investigation and the suspect will not be questioned or contacted. Law enforcement uses the report as purely informational means.

Blind reporting can be of great value to survivors of sexual assault. A survivor may not be ready to commit to a full investigation and formal police report. A blind report provides a way for a survivor to document important details should they choose to file a formal report later on. The process of reporting to law enforcement may also empower survivors by allowing them to regain a sense of control and personal autonomy. Victims who are initially hesitant to file a formal report at the time of the assault may change their minds when given the option of supporting or being supported by other victims of the same assailant. The testimony of a prior victim can help with the prosecution of another victim’s case by aiding the district attorney in illustrating a pattern of behavior of the perpetrator.2

Providing a blind report option benefits not only the survivor, but law enforcement and the community as a whole as well. Information given in the blind report can be used to track perpetrator’s MOs, suspect descriptions, and victim demographics. Law enforcement can take note if a similar crimes have been reported against the same person. Blind reporting benefits the community as we can capture a more accurate and comprehensive picture of how many sexual assaults are being committed.

It is important to note that not all law enforcement agencies have an anonymous reporting option. Our VOICE can help you figure out if a particular law enforcement agency outside of Buncombe County allows victims to file blind reports. If you or someone you know is interested in filing a blind report, please contact Our VOICE for more information.

–Stefanie is the Court Advocate at Our VOICE. For more information on court advocacy services, click here.

1. Justice Department, National Crime Victimization Survey: 2008-2012
2. Garcia, S. & Henderson, M. Blind Reporting of Sexual Violence. FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin Volume:68 Issue:6 Dated:June 1999.