A scroll through socials depicts all kinds of violent acts, like sexual violence with the Epstein files. These stories can be all too familiar for us survivors, reigniting feelings of betrayal and mistrust, increasing feelings of hypervigilance and activating traumatic memories.
We have a lot of bear activity here in Asheville. When I’m out walking my dog and see a bear, I become slightly uncomfortable. It is worth noting the bear is not chasing me, just eating out of a dumpster. Now, if the bear were to chase me, unlikely, but go with me here, then I would feel in danger. The problem is when we have experienced trauma it can be hard to know whether the bear’s activity calls for feeling uncomfortable versus unsafe. This is why we have to build tolerance and capacity for the feeling of discomfort. We can be uncomfortable and perfectly safe all at once.
If you are anything like me, you feel called to be an advocate for others. For me, this looks like staying informed, sometimes to my own detriment. When grounded in reality, I know that constant exposure is not equivalent to moral engagement. I do not need to ruminate on every article written, every video clip filmed, or every update to be informed. Opting for a middle ground, I pick one trusted source to check once daily, giving myself the power back. When our boundaries have been crossed, it is even more important that we create and uphold our own. Boundaries in themselves are trauma work.
When sexual violence seems to rule my screen and thus my mind, I attempt to anchor myself in the present. This can look like a few things. One may be identifying the facts and signs of safety. For me, this often looks like reassuring myself that I know the sound my door makes as someone enters and exits. It can also look like deep breaths followed by long, extended exhales. You can also do something referred to as positive resourcing by thinking back to a nice imagery you have experienced. Perhaps you will call upon a memory of a scenic drive on the parkway, sans bear chasing you.
The world loves to tell survivors how to cope, including how much, if it all, they should talk about their experience with sexual violence. Unfortunately, the people that do this can be well meaning but poorly informed loved ones. If you are trying to express the complex range of emotions that come with this media cycle, and your loved one is not being receptive, or maybe even being dismissive, it is time to create those ever evolving boundaries. For me, that looks like being selective with who I bare my soul to. Remember you do not owe anyone details.
The wrongdoings of powerful figures has my blood boiling. It bubbles and brews for myself and fellow survivors until it ends up overflowing the pot. Before we get to that place, we can channel the energy elsewhere. If the anger is loud, give it a job. I’m using it to write this article. And while advocacy is a great avenue for channeling this spectrum of intense emotions, it does not have to be the one for you. For you it may look like pouring yourself into a new craft or going for a run. Whatever emotions this brings up for you, let it give you purpose.
Ultimately, give yourself grace through this process. Healing is not linear. There are no formal timelines for feeling safe and whole again. Maybe the Epstein news hits you in the gut out of nowhere. That does not mean you are backsliding. It simply means you are human.
You are allowed to protect the life you’ve built now, even while the world keeps reopening old wounds.
About the Author:
Maille McLaughlin aims to be an advocate in all that she does. Whether that is receiving grants for community contraception, presenting on intimate partner violence, or volunteering for inclusive sex education initiatives, depends on the day.